so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
