I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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