Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
