the condom got lost in my hair
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
