her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
