Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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