I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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