u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
