He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
