Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Church boner. Awkwardddd
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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