I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
