Your dad touched me again.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
