based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
