The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
