I'm lost and stupid without you.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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