paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
