i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
