I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
