Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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