I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
