So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
