love makes seman taste better
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Last time i carry you out of a forest
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
