That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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