Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
