I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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