Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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