John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
