guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Randomize
