Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
