every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
