Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
