so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
