So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
