i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
