Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
