A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
