it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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