mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
