Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
