Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
