Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
