You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
