I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
