____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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