P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
