so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
