I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
