i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
