3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
