quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
